This is the time that everyone makes their predictions for 2012. Keen to go one better, I’m making prophecies instead. Mark my words – the prophesies you are about to read are guaranteed to happen. Kicking off with a fairly obvious one, I prophesise that in 2012 an unremarkable woman whose name begins with the letter K will get knocked up by her high status husband. Despite being really rather plain a combination of the finest fashion advisers, oodles of wealth to fritter away on one modest dress after another and obsequious journalists will contrive to make her the prettiest wife in Christendom. Multitudes of people who really should know better will quit their woes for an afternoon or two and vicariously share her supposed radiance.
Early in the New Year Occupy London will claim that it is in good health despite having lost 99% of its activists. The remainder will divide into two parts upon the promulgated judgment in their eviction case. The bigger part will decide to quit the scene before they are forcibly removed; the smaller part will make the headlines resisting the inevitable clearance of the churchyard, their numbers bolstered by the London Anarchist Federation who haven’t been involved in the protest until that point in time. Both will claim the legacy of the protest but only the latter will be associated with it in the public’s eyes. I prophesis that the great schism will occur within 48 hours of the judgment.
My next prophecy is a bit bolder. There will be a UK general election in 2012. My bet is in March. The thieving Tory bastards have played the Liberals as perfect stooges. Clegg knows he is Cameron’s bitch. That was why his New Year message grovelled and scraped to the right-wing agenda of his mistress. His real message was to Cameron – dumping us Liberal Democrats will look like Cameron would sack the most loyal of servants when opportunity struck. The insinuation being that that we, the public, are the loyal servants. Clegg lives up to his name (for foreign readers: a clegg is a parasitic insect which lives on horse shit) with these remarks. He has been nothing but an irritant to the bigger party who are determined to impose their will on the country and sense that their popularity is rising. Their current 6% lead will not last forever. They must have a plan, surely? The EU veto cast by Cameron was the opening salvo, which the great British public lapped up mainly because they haven’t got a clue about Cameron’s European strategy of sidling up with the neo-nazi groups. British hatred of European politics is born out of a folk memory of being obliged to fight in two world wars started by Germany. That’s as far as the analysis goes. Therefore anyone who says no to anything European plays well with British voters, even if they say yes to the very people who are most likely to start more wars. Forgive me, I digress. The general election will be in either March, April or May. The precise date is outside the range of my prophecies but if I were a betting man, I’d put £100 or more on 22nd March 2012. The thieving Tory bastards will win the election and be returned to government with a modest majority. The blue rinse brigade will be masturbating over Cameron, their poster boy, for the rest of the year. Ed Miliband will resign but even his brother won’t want to run for the job this time around. The Green Party will pick up a second MP, also in Brighton. The Liberals will be almost wiped off the political map, resulting in an old style two party system in Britain. Turnout in this election will be at a record low (which is why Cameron’s crowd will win).
Whereas 2011 was the year of viral protests, 2012 will be the year of viral flash mob riots. In other words, there will be more riots. This time around they will be coordinated better. The street gangs in the UK will get together to pick dates and times. Early signs of this coordination will be a drop in young black men dying of knife wounds. The government will claim that some non-existent policy of theirs should get the credit, although they’ll be sure not to crow about the figures too much. Then crowds of innocent shoppers will suddenly turn into rampaging mobs after a short visit to the M&S changing rooms to get their masks on. Masks will be banned and there’ll be a resurgence in radical street theatre. Old hands like me will be tempted to hit the streets again. Cameron will use the opportunity of the riots to beef up security laws and once again demonstrate his inability to understand what the internet actually is by threatening to close it down. The mere threat will drive many more people into communicating Off The Record through Jabber, which the government apparently can’t listen in on.
The world will step nearer to carbon related catastrophe as its people’s fail to grapple with the problem. In the summer some low lying islands will be wiped off the map. Governments around the world will invest in nuclear rather than properly sustainable energy. Food prices will continue to rise. 2012 will be a watershed year for people growing their own food in the countries which previously bought it from other countries. That might be less of a prophecy and more of a general prediction.
The UK Olympics will take place under the constant threat of bomb attacks. There will be no explosions anywhere near the event but there might be – not a full prophecy this one – some bombs in London at the same time. British people will suddenly show an interest in the sports we do okay at but lose interest in them when the summer draws to an end. By the end of the summer we’ll be livid about the lavish cost of the games – that one is a prophecy.
Also by the end of the summer, the regime in Syria will fall. A Lebanese fellow I got to know at Occupy London explained much of middle-east politics to me. Amongst many fascinating conversations I had with F, where for once I was just listening and being educated, he pointed out that Syria was the one country which the crusaders never attempted to conquer. F said that was because of the Syrians legendary resilience. The people there have obviously found their voice again and, despite not receiving any assistance from any quarter and facing enormous bloodshed, they keep on coming. In September 2012 there will be a full-scale revolution in Syria.
Israel will launch missile strikes on Iran in the late summer with the aim of debilitating its nuclear plants. America will not condemn Israel but will make various noises about Iran getting what it asked for. Obama’s eye is on one date: 6th November 2012, when he is up for election or the boot. I predict that Obama will win the election because the Republicans cannot muster a sufficiently statesman like character as an alternative.