My political dictionary

Political dictionaries can be very useful tools. They provide short cuts to understanding the sometimes specialist terminology employed by political writers. Since I tend to use certain words and phrases with particular meanings, which are sometimes misunderstood, I’ve decided to collate the whole lot here in one single post for everybody’s convenience.

You can search for any term by the usual search methods (including ctrl+F). I’ll add to this list as I go along. Of course, there are lots of online dictionaries out there. Why add to them? Well, they are subject to abuse by the increasingly popular sport of getting your word in the dictionary or bastardising its commonly understood meaning. This will remain my dictionary. You might not like the meanings I have attributed to the terms included but you’ll have to accept that I mean what I say. That said, all submissions will be gratefully received. Please use the usual methods, including the comment form on this post.

By the way, I’ve long been a fan of Samuel Johnson, the author of the first ever dictionary. Whereas he worked on his partisan tome every day for a decade, the first edition of my dictionary has only taken half a day to compile. Clearly there is more work to be done. Much more!

Anus

Properly speaking this is the medical term for the tract along which the bowel contents leave the human body. It is also the nickname given to the toilet rag masquerading as a newspaper in Sussex, titled The Argus. The name originally arose because the paper’s title used to be The Evening Argus and so its nickname became The Evening Anus.

Brighton

One of the grooviest towns on the planet. Nowadays it is one half of a city called Brighton & Hove. Sits on the South Coast of England geographically but has little in common politically with the Weald to the North. It’s raison d’être is partying, posing and promenading, though not necessarily in that order. Any order will do.

Capitalism

An economic system where the means of production, distribution and exchange are concentrated in the hands of the very few with the result that they exploit the many for their personal profit. Also involves the rape of the planet and continually creates crises.

Doh!

An expression of self-disgust. Use it when you’ve missed the startlingly obvious.

Eco

A prefix used to denote a relationship with political activism focussed on saving the natural world and its rapidly disappearing equilibrium for future human generations.

Fun

Used in its ordinary, natural meaning. A word not normally associated with British politics but which is nevertheless absolutely necessary for a healthy life. For example, “I’m sick of listening to this policy wonk Ed Miliband, let’s go out and have some fun instead!“

Grow A Pair

Short for grow a pair of testicles. Used to mock politicians for being unable to demonstrate any political strength whatsoever. For example, “Say what you like about the Green MP for Brighton Pavilion, Caroline Lucas, she doesn’t need to grow a pair!“

Hardcore

Whilst many of my generation use this term to mean music and most people older than me use it to mean pornography, I use to mean people who are so firmly entrenched in their beliefs and activities that they doubt the very existence of any other world. For example, “That Tory MP for Hove, Mike Weatherley, is a proper hardcore thieving Tory bastard. He’s the one that made homelessness a criminal offence.“

HRA

This is a technical term in local government: Housing Revenue Account.

Intellectual Bullying

Someone more clever than me beating me up with their big fancy words. Doesn’t happen very often. For example, I would ask, “Why are you using those big fancy words when simple little ones would do?” They would reply, “Are you accusing me of hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalianism?” I would ask, “What on earth does that mean?” They would reply, “Using big fancy words for the sake of it.” Then I would mutter something like, “Yeah, right“, if they were lucky. Actually, that’s an example of something else. Obviously this definition needs more work.

Jason

Currently the Leader of Brighton & Hove City Council. One of the Kitcats (see below). Highly intelligent, unusually talented, impossibly popular for a politician and exceptionally handsome. If I was gay, I would seduce Jason Kitcat. His being Catholic and married wouldn’t stop me. Hell, it would it make it more fun!

JCB

Another technical term from local government: Joint Commissioning Board

Kitcat

Strangely attractive beings who have beamed to Earth from Shiny Shiny Land. They want to save the planet from its own population.

Labour

A political party which has historically done much to shape British politics and has a proud history. The Labour Party created the National Health Service, the full version of the welfare state and encouraged people to act in cooperation with others. Unfortunately, it seems to have lost its way in recent years. For example, its members seem to think it is okay to applaud war criminals so long as they say they made a mistake often enough. Also, Labour Party activists seem to think that all environmental challenges can be overcome by recycling copies of their preferred scandal rag, the Grauniad.

Leper

Someone so frightened of human contact that they shy away of their own volition. For example, “There are no Liberal Democrats left in Brighton or Hove. They know they are lepers now.“

Lepper

Variant of ‘Leper‘ specifically applied to the Brighton & Hove Labour Party

Liberal Traitor

Any member of the Liberal Democrats. This party has long been populated by people who love sound good without having anything sound to say. For decades, they have run nasty personal attacks under the guise of political campaigns and have frequently used contradictory messages according to what part of the country they are in. At the time of writing, they are propping up a government administered by the thieving Tory bastards and are widely believed to be heading for political oblivion as a result.

Muppet

A politician who moves around on sticks controlled by someone lurking underneath. For example, “That Vince Cable, he’s a proper muppet.“

New Labour

A mispelling of ‘Not Labour’, which is shorthand for ‘so different to the Labour Party that it does not deserve to be mentioned in the same breath. Or lifetime.’

Naughty

Anyone who’s heading for that certain step.

Orange Book Brigade

The dominant faction in the Liberal Traitors. Instead of promising all things to all men and women, the Orange Book Brigade unite around the police of the thieving Tory bastards instead.

Politicians

Anyone active in politics. Whereas most people use this term pejoratively, for me it is a compliment. Without politicians, we’d have no hope of civil society. Despite all that is written above, I have more respect for a Tory politician than someone who says that they can’t be bothered. Shit! Did I just write that? *shudders*

Queen’s Road

The road which connects Brighton train station to West Street and along which various political hopefuls tread during their conference season.

Royals

A certain family who cling to power and prove our country profoundly undemocratic. Recently, it has been revealed that the head of this family, unaffectionately known as Auntie Lizzie, has intervened in our law making process nearly 40 times to prevent legislation being enacted. Secretive, wealthy and weirdly still claiming that approval by God gives them the right to rule over us.

Sex

Politically, this is the only subject that religious people seem to want to campaign about any more. Whereas they used to care about poverty and various other social issues, the noisiest religious nutters now only seem to care where other people put their wangers and what they should be doing with it instead. Me thinks they doth protest too much!

thieving Tory bastard

A member of the Conservative Party holding public office. For example, “That George Osbourne is an first rate thieving Tory bastard, he’s repeatedly stolen money from our public services…“. Properly speaking, this term is a tautology because the very word Tory means ‘thief’ or ‘plunderer, having been first used to that effect in the Irish State Papers in 1812. Whilst an Australian Court ruled in 1971 that the word ‘bastard’ could be a term of endearment, it is not being used in that context here. When I began blogging, I always used this term to describe those that Nye Bevan famously described as being “lower than vermin” but it did cause some confusion amongst those who just voted for them and who aspired to be associated with them by dint of their votes. For that reason, I’ve used the term more sparingly recently. Nevertheless, if you want anything I’ve written about this particular political party, use this search term and you shall find it. It’s worth mentioning that traditionally one could not actually be a member of the Tory party until one had obtained political office.

Über

I don’t normally bother with the two little dots above the ‘u’ but this is a dictionary so it’s time to be proper innit?! This just means bigger than normal. For example, “That Steve Bassam, he really reckons himself, like he’s a real Lord or something, whereas in fact he is just an uber-dick.”

V

Er, running out of steam here. Don’t tend to use words starting with this letter, I think. Perhaps this will change in future editions.

Workers

Anyone who works for a living, regardless of what they do. Definition excludes anyone who gains all or most of their income from share capital dividends or the labour of others.

X, Y & Z

Nope, I don’t use jargon starting with these letters.