Category Archives: Romance

Romantic life on the road

I was wrong to imagine that my wife bought a car to go to work in. That is increasingly looking like a ruse on her part. I’m now convinced that she wanted the car to take me out on romantic dates! What a lucky fellow I am!

Previously, I’ve shared (boasted) the tale of our date in a garden centre and another, less successful amorous outing to the local dump in Brighton. Today, I’m pleased to report that my love life is very much back on track, following my wife’s decision to take me to one of the UK’s classiest motorway service stations.

At first, I had no idea where she was taking me. She kept it as a surprise. Obviously, I knew we were going somewhere. “Get in the car!” she asked me in the morning. A couple of hours later she suddenly said, “It’s time for a break. Isn’t there a welcome break up the road somewhere?” There was, with pretty good reviews too. I could hardly believe my luck ~ the long silent road we’d travelled was nothing more than a trick to distract me.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve visited one of these joints. Naturally, I expected the worst: expensive inedible food, garish surroundings and toilets that stank worse than those found at the Glastonbury Festival. The reviews were presumably intended to be ironic.

Not a bit of it. Clearly the “Welcome Break” at junction 8a on the M40 in England has the commercial ambition previously restricted to the early vision of The Little Chef. Just as the reviews promised, there was indeed a beautiful fountain to welcome the weary traveller.

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After splashing about in it for a bit , like a happy sand boy, I sensed that my lovely wife wanted to progress our date beyond its playful first stage. “Get out of there,” she shouted at me. I guess she had to make herself heard over the noise of the water pumps or something else I couldn’t hear. The deafness of my middle-age manifests itself in a manner most unexpected. It is strangely selective. Luckily, I can always hear my wife’s shouting!

I got out the fountain and followed my wife inside. A moment of doubt crept over me though. The first thing I saw was a row of bags.

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Unlikely though it seemed, a concern that my wife wanted me to buy her a bag overcame me. This could get quite expensive, I thought, and busied myself rearranging the price tags. Fortunately, I was worrying over nothing. “Come away from there!” urged my beloved, “look at the state of you: soaking wet and covered in price stickers. I can’t take anywhere!” She looked like she was about to cry. She can get rather emotional when we go on dates.

We wandered around, sampling the atmosphere and arguing about the best choice of eatery. Essentially, she wanted to drink coffee and eat a muffin. She got her way. Here’s her coffee and ’single seed muffin’. To be honest, I can’t see how that is an improvement on the conventional muffin but hey, what do I know about food?

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Money’s a bit tight right now, so we used our vegetarianism as justification for not stepping into the truly classy KFC. You always know you’re looking at an upmarket establishment when they use these red ropes to demarcate their space from the riff-raff. The Odeon Cinema used to have its own (blue) version. Getting rid of it marked the beginning of its terminal decline.

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Best of all was the exquisitely tiled floor itself. It was perfectly polished and lent itself excellently to a good old fashioned sliding session. For once, I knew I was getting carried away and expected, at any moment, my wife to ask me to stop. The security guard beat her to it. He wasn’t interested in a joint game. My plea, “surely a surface like this must tempt you every day?” was unpersuasive.

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That’s my wife’s legs, by the way. I’m not the sort of weirdo who goes around photographing the legs of women I haven’t shared a bed with. “We’re leaving,” she said and I knew that the excitement had to come to an end.

Who says romance has gone away?

Went on another inventive date with my wife today. She is so creative. I was a bit surprised when she brought this one up though, because she didn’t seem so happy at last weekend’s garden centre romantic excursion. Anyway, she said today was the date we had set to go to the dump. We both know it ain’t cool calling it that anymore but that’s what we got told it got called. Anyways, off we went and started loading up and off we went to the dump. When we got there, I did wonder whether my wife was as into this date as me. She basically sat in the car, whilst I shifted endless quantities of wood, general waste, plastic, metal and CFLs. When it was over, I though hey, let’s change the radio station. Had a quick go at tuning in some of the blank buttons but then the wheels came off the date altogether. My wife, a notably calm and relaxed woman, did not laugh off the problem. At the next set of traffic lights, I had another go at fixing the problem but her deflecting arm and hand and instructional scream technique of asking me not to was highly persuasive. Frankly, the rapidity of her reaction startled me most. I swear, I have never seen her move so fast, let only in such a coordinated manner.

For the last ten years or so, we have had no car. My wife’s journey to work by train and bicycle was becoming too arduous in view of the usual complaints visited on us by old age. We’re not really car people. Really, we’re not. In fact, she bought the car and brought it home but didn’t even tell me for a couple of days. When she did tell me, I replied, “Oh?” Then we talked about something else. Straight up, I did even set eyes on it for a full ten days, when I vaguely noticed a car matching its description parked in our road. Even then, I just walked past, then forgot to mention my inspection of it at home. I’ve only been in it a couple of times.

Our driving banter revolves around me being an expert in road traffic accidents, albeit one that is not currently practising. My wife takes to this very well. When we first met, about twelve years ago, she had a car then too. She drove so fast and in such a cavalier style, you did not need to be an expert in road traffic accidents to tell how dangerous she was. We went to the dump a few times back then too. On one of those trips, she turned the car so fast on a hilly corner, that my side of the car went into the air. It wasn’t quite Dukes of Hazard but nearer that than the good practice recommended by the guidance in the Highway Code. Thankfully, the gap of not driving seems to have calmed her down a bit. All the same, I think she could drive a bit more with the speedometer in double figures. Talk about from one extreme to the other.

Anyway, she seemed pretty chilled until I tried the second time to change the radio against and then she was like the furies or whatever their called in whichever hellish ancient religion spiritual creation myth psycho babble where there is a multiheaded serpented monster which harls and screams and lashes out all at once and then she was my lovely wife again and all this within about one second. Immediately afterwards she was my wife again and I hadn’t managed to fix what I’d done to the radio but I had learnt a very important lesson. Probably two, actually. Most importantly, come to think of it, she could move that fast so I had to remember if I didn’t want to get another great big bruise. The other lesson was that the power of the industrial-military-automotive complex was like those rings in the book that Tolkien wrote. Here was my wife, a skilled practitioner in the arts and science of manifesting nirvana, had been converted to a violent maniac blessed with extraordinary physical powers in the defence of the realm of the land inside her car. No, she didn’t mind if it got muddy inside, no she didn’t mind if the bombay mix got underneath the rail which the driver’s seat slid along, not even the scratching caused by the crap going to the dump.Her car world was marked out by the melodic boundaries set by Radio One. When that went down, the car was useless.

Back at home, our date seems to have come to an unsatisfactory end. Oh well. What can you do? I played a bit of chess. My wife toils in the garden, in the wet and the dark. Probably, I should talk her back in by now but she can be so stubborn. Plus I can play another game or two of chess. Off to a party tonight, with this poetic councillor from way over in Hove. Should be fun. Just get loaded up on fine jazz to set the tone, then we’ll hand our green blues over to the likes of Charlie Mingus and whoever else knows how throw feet off sofas and dance the night away. See you tomorrow, keep it sweet.

How to keep your marriage romantic

My wife and I go on dates, even after being together for more than twelve years. That may surprise you. More surprising is the nature of the dates we go on. After all this time, there’s not much small talk we haven’t already exhausted so romantic dinners, walks by the lapping tide and other traditional recreational activities for lovers have been more or less abandoned. Not that there’s anything unusual about that, of course. In fact, it’s pretty much a standard scenario. Unfortunately, many people slip into that situation and forget to replace it with anything. Not us!

I awoke this morning to see my beloved wife leaning over me, with a loving frown on her face and her traditional waking greeting, “What time did you get home last night?” She’s very caring like that. I couldn’t quite remember what time I got home, for some reason, but keen to join in the conversation I asked what time it was? Apparently, I’d had a couple of hours sleep. “I guess you’d like to sleep for the rest of the morning?” That would have been swell but also a little tactless because we had scheduled to spend the day together. Being asleep for half of it wouldn’t be conducive to a happy marriage. Whilst I was figuring out what kind of compromise might be acceptable, she invited me on a date! Of course, she didn’t actually use the word ‘date’. We’re not teenagers any more; these phrases can seem a little worn out after a few years. Recently, my wife bought a car so that she can drive when her arthritis is too much to cycle to work. This has meant that we’re no longer dependent on friends for lifts to certain types of shopping centres, which always seem to be out of town. She said, “Let’s go to the garden centre.” That was her asking me on a date. I could tell from the firmness of her tone. If my wife wants to go on a date to a garden centre, who am I to argue?

On the way there, I chatted away to demonstrate that I wasn’t sleeping the morning away. My wife stayed silent. Too many people lose concentration when they’re driving. On arrival, she took my arm and we went inside. This was not like that shitty garden centre up by the Racecourse in Brighton. This place had a bookshop, a biscuit counter and even its own cafe! I suddenly realised that I had turned down many suggestions that I accompany my wife to a garden centre over the years. Middle-aged men, hear my plea! Do not ignore these apparently tedious requests from the women in your life. These places are actually hugely romantic for your lover. We wandered around laughing at the various wares, lost in our own happiness. That said, I did notice my wife scanning the shelves for the items on her list, with the same steely determination as The Terminator. Certainly I was laughing. Perhaps she wasn’t. Definitely she was smiling, a bit.

At one point I saw a pathetic clay dog, designed to look up you balefully. My carefree feelings evaporated and were replaced by a dose of rage. Whether I was angry with the conniving artist who had created such sad garden furniture or the notion that some customers would buy that sort of thing, I do not know. My instinct was to smash the dog immediately. I ran over to it, picked it up and went to smash it on the ground but my wife stopped me. It seemed that she felt unexpectedly romantic at that moment. I could tell by the way she squeezed my arm. It was all getting a bit much for her. “Calm down,” she said. It seemed like an appropriate moment to kiss ~ all the other customers seemed to have disappeared ~ but in my exhausted state I mistimed my move and accidentally kissed the back of her turning head.

Then I spotted the sheds. Oh boy, this place was extraordinary. My wife agreed to a tour of shed alley. We walked around various wooden huts and marvelled at their construction, their prices and our sad, unfulfilled lives. Then I spotted that chap who job it was to flog the sheds. He had one of his own to sit in. Suddenly my life appeared to be very nirvana.

We rounded our date off with a bite to eat in the cafe. We’d been dragging one of those unmanageable trollies around with us, piling it up with various types of soil and the like. I had parked it behind our table, tucked out of the way but some fellow who obviously didn’t trust his own trolley steering abilities had the audacity to move it without asking. Naturally, I immediately he was trying to steal our unpaid for goods, so as to save himself the hassle of collecting such things himself. I was on him in a flash. “It was an easy mistake to make…,” I tried to tell my wife in the car home. It seemed that I had slipped up. I tried again with, “Did you enjoy the rest of our date?” She pretended not to know that we were on a date by saying, “I wish we hadn’t come. Why did you start shouting by those animal statues? Other people were hiding from you…” I knew she was just joking. The reality is that we had a wonderfully romantic afternoon. I wish I’d realised though that the other customers had wanted to play hide and seek. I bet I could have caught them easily.

So, gentlemen, I’ll leave you with this thought. Next time your wife asks you to visit some apparently mundane place, see this for what it is: your best chance of a date. Remember not to slip up like I did though. With kissing, timing is everything. As for the rest of my success, hey, those are my secrets.

Muted sex talk for the romantically inclined

When I was fifteen years’ old, I was a regular red blooded male and very desperate to lose my virginity. My rampant desires were inflamed constantly by me attending a girls’ school ~ Varndean Comprehensive. It was still going through the conversion process from having been an all girls’ school to being mixed gender. Consequently, during my education there was a majority of girls in the school. An overwhelming majority. Despite its new found status, it still taught subjects more associated with its previous loftier position. Including Latin. I decided that it would be wonderfully erudite to be able to speak Latin, so I took this subject to O-Level. That can only be described as a romantic aspiration.

I was useless at Latin. It is, after all, notoriously difficult. During the O-Level itself we had to translate a story which involved some bloke rocking up in a hostile sea port and conducting tortuous political negotiations, which he completed with the use of lavish gifts. Proof of his success was his leaving with the local King’s daughter in his boat. At least I think that was what the story was about. It was hard to tell. Afterwards, those few stalwarts who had taken the subject to the level of formal examination discussed what the story had been about. Those who usually fared better in unseen work had a rather different story to tell but I had got the bare bones right. One problem, obvious even to me when the exam time expired, was that the names in my account of the story had changed places during the telling of it. The name of the boat became the name of the King. The name of the visiting diplomat had become the name of the City. Worst of all, the name of the King’s daughter had become the name of the ship’s captain.

People often claim that learning Latin has all sorts of indirect advantages. For me, it very nearly did have a direct advantage. The year before this hopeless effort, my parents took me on holiday to Italy. We toured around ancient sites but also stayed a short while in a campsite down the coast from Naples. The campsite owners had been reluctant to let us stay there because we were not locals. An entire district of Naples had literally decamped for the summer to this place. There they pitched up in an arrangement which was topologically identical to their home neighbourhoods, so that each person had the same next door neighbours. During the week the mothers and the kids lived there, whilst the man of each household stayed in their home to work. Each weekend, the menfolk came to join their families, escaping the heat of the city. The next campsite along the coast contained people from the next district in Naples and so on it went.

Being completely unknown to the neighbourhood, the kids quickly befriended me. They chattered away but I could not reply. I had tried to muster some Italian via a guidebook but I got tongue-tied when faced with this crowd. Instead of mumbling something in bad language about not being Italian, I chose to stay silent. Oddly, I could understand pretty much everything they said. I couldn’t understand the individual words but I had a proper grasp of each sentence. When someone suggested going off to the camp shop to get donuts, I would get up heading in that direction. If they suggested the beach, I knew where to go. If they suggested playing ping-pong, I picked up a bat. To begin with they thought I was shy but as I continued to fail to reply, they discussed what the reason was. After a couple of days, they decided that I had a medical problem and could not talk. They called me “the mute“. They were very nice to me. They included me in everything they did and often talked about how hard life must be for me.

One day a girl came over from the neighbouring campsite. She too was fifteen. The image of her is burnt into my imagination forever. I found her very pretty. She had long dark hair, beautiful dark eyes, and was wonderfully slim. She was very chatty too and seemed to take a definite interest in me. I’ll be honest, she also dressed very provocatively, wearing what I now know are called hot pants with a shirt tied at the bottom and unbuttoned enough that her breasts were permanently catching my eyes. We played ping pong, ate donuts and hung out under the shade of the trees together. She chatted away. I did not. The others explained my disability but instead of losing interest, she seemed to gain it.

This girl ~ Carla was her name ~ told me that the next day her parents were away from her campsite and she had the place to herself. She offered to ‘show me around the neighbourhood’ but also made a big point of repeatedly mentioning that we could take our siesta together in complete privacy. She even mentioned that she had a very comfortable lilo to sleep on. The offer was as clear as it could be. My newly acquired friends made doubly sure that I had understood what was going to happen. The girls smiled sweetly and reminded me to be a gentleman. The boys sidled up, confided that they too were still virgins and complimented my apparent success. They called me a lucky bastard. Well, words to that effect.

The following day I went to the place appointed for our date to begin but Carla was not there. I hung around for ages but she did not show up. I even went into the neighbouring campsite and wandered around looking for her; that was a risky strategy because these neighbourhoods were deeply suspicious of each other and strangers. By late afternoon I realised that I had been stood up. I slunk back to my own campsite, badly disappointed. One of the girls there came over and explained that Carla’s parents had obliged her to go off with them that day. Another said they saw them leaving the site’s entrance down the road and had managed to exchange a few words. Basically, she had been very upset. Her Father had been determined to stop her ‘getting into trouble’. He’d grounded her for the rest of the holiday. I was also banned from their campsite.

This news was oddly pleasing as much as it was devastating. She hadn’t rejected me at all! Far from it, she had been very keen to make love with me. This news transformed my time in Italy, lifting me up to new confidences. After hearing it, I began to speak some simple Italian. Inspired by her approval, I managed a gentlemanly regard to the situation and muttered, “Oh well, there’s more fish in the sea, though few that swim so well.” Suddenly hearing my voice, the camps kids literally jumped with surprise. “He talks!” they cried out.

There’s some things you learn in school which can’t be found books. That said, the Latin book learning proved especially useful, though not as the teachers intended.

How I was lost and found in the Sahara

When I was nineteen, I travelled around Morocco with my old sixth form college, even though I had left it. Our journey took us into the High Atlas and across the border with Western Sahara, which was technically at war with Morocco at the time. It took a day to drive across the baked clay plains, in blistering heat. On top of our truck, there were a couple of seats. A friend and I sat up there all day, in strict contravention of the rules. After hours of roasting, eventually we could see the sand dunes appear in the distance. At first they were just a blueish outline on the horizon, like an enormous version of the South Downs way off in the distance.

When we arrived, the truck parked before the first ripple. This sandy ridge rose about four feet and then fell away expose the clay again. Between it and the next ridge there lay a channel about ten feet wide. The next ridge rose up to about five feet or so and then fell away but not far enough to expose the clay. After that the ridge structure became more broken up. The peaks and troughs got higher and higher. Our immediate horizon was dominated by a dune which looked to be about the height of Devil’s Dyke, just outside Brighton – that’s 712 feet above sea level.

Some Berbers turned up, produced a football and challenged us to a match between the first two long ripples of sand. I elected to sit the first game out. There never was a second game. Our boys were humiliated. It was, of course, only a game but unfortunately the English lads were so cocksure that they would win that their defeat was just too crushing. Immediately after kick off the locals hitched up their multi-layered skirts and, literally rang rings in their bare feet around our lot. Result: 25-0. It would have been a bigger margin but our team walked off the pitch at that point at the quarter century mark.

I decided that before sundown I would walk off to the highest dune and climb it. Getting there was simple enough. Getting up it was really hard. On reaching the top I was gutted to find the name “Toby” carved out in the sand up there. Toby was in our party. Somehow he had beaten me to the top; I had seen him walking back into our camp when I set off. The view from the top was something else. The summit I stood on now appeared as a low foothill, nestling amongst others of similar height. Beyond them, to the South, stood really massive dunes. I stood there for awhile and gazed at the panorama sloping up and away from me.

I wasn’t troubled by the sun being so low in the sky because I could see our fire. We were going to cook our evening meal on it! Running down Toby’s Peak was great fun. Soon I was at the bottom and making my way up the dune to the North of it. When I got to the top of that, I could still see the fire. However, after I got to the bottom of that one and back up the next one, I could not see the fire. Not to worry, I thought, I’m walking in a straight line. What can go wrong? I carried on, guided only by that belief, for quite a while.

I’d worn myself out and took to tumbling down all the dunes. When I got to the top of each, I could still see the sun but in the dips between them, I was in shadow. A combination of the dune’s irregular heights, positions and corresponding depths threw me off my straight line and I lost sight of the fire. By the light of the emerging stars I chose the highest dune I could see and climbed it, to find the fire again. At its top, I could see no fire. I wasn’t exactly panicking but the fear was definitely growing. I knew I had started my return journey from only about a mile away from my base. I also knew that it was practically impossible to hold any kind of straight line amongst the undulations. From the top of this dune, I picked another high one and decided to climb that. No matter what, I had to find the fire again.

It took an age to ascend this new dune. I was getting very tired indeed. I hadn’t eaten all day and all this sandy work was taking its toll. Eventually, I managed the task and looked around. I fancied that I could see a flickering light. It wasn’t exactly in the direction that I had expected it to be. Setting off, I picked a path towards it between the higher dunes on the way, so as not to lose sight of it. This meant following a zig-zagging course. It took longer but that seemed very preferable to being completely lost. The mystifyingly different nature of the dunes I put down to the night and me being unfamiliar with my surroundings.

At last, I found the height of the dunes was gently decreasing and I could see the fire better. It kept disappearing from view though. I wasn’t in shadow. Evidently, there were people walking in front of it. I kept going.

Eventually, I stumbled out of the wilderness and toward the fire. At the last moment, I realised this was not my camp. It was the Berber’s camp. Three black tents, each about sixty foot across, stood next to each other. Frankly, I didn’t hesitate. I walked straight into the camp. The nearest tent was open on the side facing me. As I approached, men inside stood up and approached me. Without a common language, I understood that I was being welcomed in. They ushered me to some embroidered cushions and prepared to serve tea.

Luckily, I was already well versed in the elaborate rituals of drinking Moroccan Mint Tea as a stranger in someone’s home. I was less sure of myself when some very pretty young women were presented to me and invited to sit on the cushions beside me. As these ladies smiled and nodded at me, the thought crossed my mind that I might be there for some time. Keen though I was to return to my countrymen, the prospect of accidentally joining this particular tribe did have a certain appeal. However, when I was shown a place to go in private with the three young ladies, I balked. I was worried that I might be perceived as being their debt somehow. Looking back, I know I missed the adventure of a lifetime by declining that aspect of their hospitality. The women were sent away and I was offered a similar treat with some good looking young men. For me, that was an easier gift to refuse. Food was brought out. I ate very heartily but refused the meat, having become vegetarian only ten days before. By gesticulation I think I managed to explain that I did not eat the flesh of any beast which had been sentient.

After a couple of hours of this hospitality, two men stood up and ushered me outside. Smiling, they indicated that I should follow them. They walked off into the darkness. Although the sky was lit well by tens of thousands of stars, the terrain was harder to see. It didn’t matter though because it was completely flat. We walked slowly enough that I did not trip on any of the large cracks running through the surface. We skirted the edge of the desert in the direction which I hoped would take me back to my camp. Where else would they take me?

A couple of hours later, I spotted another fire and the silhouette of our truck in front of it. I couldn’t believe that I lost sight of this inferno – it was massive. It was roaring twenty feet high! I guessed that I had missed dinner. No-one could be cooking on that monster. Approaching from the North-West, I could see everyone standing on the other side of the fire. However, for some reason, they could not see me. My rescuers stopped, shook me hand and bid me goodbye. I shook their hands and touched my heart, in the traditional sign of real gratitude. They smiled very broadly and repeated the gesture.

What a relief! As I walked towards our camp, I realised that everyone was standing in a line on the first ripple. They were all looking at something into the desert proper. Casually walking up the sand, I stood next to the person at the end of the line and asked, “What are we looking at?” The reply was, “We’re looking for you!” Oh boy, were they pleased to see me. They’d thrown everything on the fire, to help me find my way home. All the wood at once, a spare tyre and petrol had gone into the mix.

That night my immediate friends and I made our beds on a modest dune. I was questioned about where I had been. My interrogators were not envious. They were perturbed at my calmness. Looking back, so am I. Nature served up a spectacular meteor shower which blazed across the sky for three hours but for all its glory I wondered whether I might have been more amazed had I spent the night in the company of those most pleasing hosts, sheltering in the shadows of the Sahara.

Valentine's Day a cruel joke

A festival to celebrate new-found love and romance in the middle of February? How on earth is that going to work in the UK? Clearly, I have never had problems in this department but obviously for most single people yesterday is like the final kick in the teeth of winter.

One year, in Edinburgh, my wife and I were wandering about, unaware that it was Valentines Day and we took the rare decision to go into a restaurent. The staff weren’t happy with our unexpected entrance – they had a booking in 30 minutes. We told them we wouldn’t stay long, we just wanted to eat quickly and leave. They let us sit down. There was a weird atmosphere in the restaurent I thought but I don’t often go to these places so I wasn’t sure. It all seemed very strained. We sat down and spotted a red rose on our table. We won’t need this declared my wife, throwing it to the floor and laughing. We joked with each other and talked about eating so much food we would be sick. Probably being too loud. I got filthy looks from the other men in there. Their female companions were all sitting politely waiting for non-existent romantic conversation, looking jealously at my wife. The men fumbled with their forks. It was awful. Suddenly my wife exclaimed I get it – its Valentines Day! The male stares at me became positively angry.

Forward to Pancake Day!